Smile A While.............jokes Options

[Reeth]

Man comes home, finds his wife in bed with his friend.

He shoots his friend.

Wife says " If you behave like this, you will loose ALL your friends!!! "


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Small boy wrote to Santa Clause " Please send me a Brother "

Santa wrote back " SEND ME YOUR MOTHER "


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What is the definition of a MIstress

Someone between the Mister and Mattress.


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Husband asks " do you know the meaning of WIFE?? "

" Without Information Fighting Everytime "

Wife replies , " No , It means , " With Idiot For Ever "


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Three Feelings:

What's the difference between Stress, Tension and Panic??

Stress is when Wife is pregnant

Tension is when Girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when Both are pregnant.


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Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the US??

B'coz people started licking the wrong side .


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Women asked Man travelling with six children, " Are all these kids yours? "

No, I work for a condom factory & these are customer complaints.


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Two men met, and both were looking for their missing wives.

1st: How does urs look?

2nd: She is 5' 7" , 36-24-36 ,Fair, Black eyes , What abt yours?

1st: Forget mine, let's look for urs.


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Mother to her teenaged daughter: I think the time is right for us
to talk about sex

Daughter (Excitedly): Sure, mom what do you want to know??


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Son asks Father the difference between confidence and confidential

Father says.. You are my son, i am confident, Your friend is also my son
That's Confidential


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[Reeth]

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the $hit (Winnie the Pooh)."

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At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

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A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
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There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.

"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.

''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for $crewing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't $crew your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE……God is watching."

Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want……God is watching the apples."

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Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?
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Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."



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As Plato entertained some friends in a room where there was a couch richly ornamented, Diogenes came in very dirty, as usual, and getting upon the couch, and trampling on it, said, "I trample upon the pride of Plato." Plato mildly answered, "But with greater pride, Diogenes!"

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A fellow was rummaging through the attic of a house he had inherited from a recently deceased grandparent when he came across a painting that looked like it had been done by one of the 18th Century great masters.
He also discovered a dusty violin that looked as though it might have been handmade.

Not being an authority on paintings nor on musical instruments of any kind, he decided to take the items to a professional appraiser.

After studying the finds for a little while, the appraiser put down his magnifying glass and said, "What you have here, young man, is a genuine Rembrandt and an authentic Stradivarius."

"Wow!" was all the fellow could say as his eyes widened and his heart began to pound.

"Unfortunately," added the appraiser, "Stradivarius was a lousy painter, and Rembrandt couldn't build a decent violin to save his life."

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Did you know that Eve suspected Adam of cheating on her?
True—but when confronted, Adam replied, "Somebody else? What are you talking about?"
He then went on to indignantly point out, "There can't be anyone else! You and I are the only ones here!"

Nonetheless, Adam was awakened one night to find Eve jabbing his torso with her finger.

"What are you doing?!" he demanded.

"Counting your ribs!" she snapped.

Reeth, do you think that some of these new jokes posted by me are a little too wild for this thread?

Noorie

What do you think????

[noorie]

What do you think????

Oh, I am sure there’s enough in there for a few people here to rat on me.
I wouldn’t be surprised at all if someone actually did.

Noorie