Dictionaries have been around for more than two thousand years, going back at least to ancient Greece. Today's wordbooks are designed for many different audiences, ranging from picture dictionaries for small children to highly specialised technical lexicons; from palm-sized pocket dictionaries to big, fat unabridged volumes, which define more than 600,000 words. Some of these words, as we all know, are of the four-letter variety.

An elderly lady once chastised a librarian for having an unabridged dictionary with such "naughty words" on open display in a public library. The librarian replied, " Ma'am, you would not even know that such words are in the dictionary unless you had looked them up."

So, why plow through dictionaries looking for "naughty words" when you can use the compact, irreverent glossary in this article of mine? Why look up the unembellished, boring denotations of words and phrases when you can discover their lewdly suggestive connotations in one handy 'sexicon'? It is high time to add to the long and glorious tradition of lexicography by compiling a new collection of definitions - The Dirty Dicktionary :


Adolescence - The time between childhood and adultery.
Alimony - The billing without the cooing.
Analogy - The study of assholes.
Anthole - Where an uncle likes to come.
Artificial Insemination - Impregnation without representation.
Asphalt - Haemorrhoids.
Aspic - Rectal scratching.
Asshole - A restroom inconveniently located right next to the snack bar.
Atitter - A breast man.
Balderdash - Scru and run.
Ballbuster - A nutcracker sweet.
Balsam - Screwing around a little.
Bathing Beauty - A girl worth wading for.
Birth Control - An issue that attempts to avoid the issue.
Blowjob - Lip service.
Blueprints - Dirty films.
Blunderbus - A baby carriage.
Bottom Dollar - Fee that a prostitute charges.
Bottoms-up! - Doggy-style
Braless - Having no invisible means of support.
Brassiere - An over-the-shoulder boulder holder / A booby trap.
Broadcasting - Fishing for women.
Buttressed - A comfortable reclining chair.

.......to be continued........

With the increasing concern about AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, a contest (hypothetical) was held soliciting snappy slogans.
Here are the finalists:

01. Cover your stump before you hump.
02. Life is sweeter when you swaddle your peter.
03. Before you attach her, wrap your whacker.
04. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger.
05. A pike with armour will never harm her.
06. If you can't seal your pecker, don't you more than neck her.
07. Don't be nuts, swaddle your putz.
08. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
09. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
10. When you're in a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
11. Don't be a loner, encase your boner.
12. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
13. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
14. The best lover is undercover.
15. Provide protection for your hot beef injection.
16. If you like her spunky, cage your monkey.
17. Provide a house for your one-eyed mouse.
18. Before you bang, insulate your whang.
19. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
20. When you undress Venus, dress your penis.
21. Even when it's not December, be sure to gift-wrap your member.
22. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
23. Don't be a fool. Vulcanise your tool.
24. The right selection: protect your erection.
25. Bury your root before you shoot.

________________________________________________________

A FEW LESSER KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE


. What was approx time on 4 Aug 1929 when Kishore was born?
Ans.: 16:00

. How much was Kishoreda’s dad’s salary in those days when he was a kid?
Ans.: Rs 30/- p.m.

. What were the real names of Ashok Kumar & Anup Kumar?
Ans.: Kumud & Kusum respectively.

. What was the name of Kishoreda’s primary school & its Headmaster?
Ans.: Double Phatak Hindi Medium; Pandit Makhanlal Chaturvedi

. What was the name of his high school?
Ans.: New High School, Khandwa

. In which subject was he most weak?
Ans.: Mathematics

. What was the name of his college?
Ans.: Christian College, Indore

. What are the age differences between KK & Ashok Kumar, KK & SatiDevi, KK & Anup Kumar?
Ans.: 19yrs, 15yrs and 5 yrs respectively

. First film as Actor?
Ans.: 'Shikari' (1946) - Guest App.

. First and last film as Music Director?
Ans.: 'Jhumroo' and 'Mamta Ki Chhaon Mein' respectively

. First and last film as Producer?
Ans.: 'Luko Churi' (Bengali) and 'Mamata Ki Chhaon Mein' respectively

. First and last film as Director?
Ans.: 'Door Gagan Ki Chhaon Mein' and 'Door Waadiyon Mein Kahin' resp'ly

. His first duet with Asha?
Ans.: Aati Hai Yaad Humko ('Muqaddar' – 1950)

. How many times has HE won the Lions Club Award for singing?
Ans.: 15 (14 in Bombay, 1 in Delhi )

. For how many songs was HE nominated for the Best Singer in the Filmfare awards?
Ans.: 27

. Apart from singing and poetry what was his other artistic pastime?
Ans.: Drawing/Painting

. Why did the songs from Door Ka Raahi have that extra sadness which moves the ground beneath a die-hard KK-Fan?
Ans.: They were recorded exactly after 4 days from Madhubala’s death

. Who performed the role of Kishoreda’s father during his marriage with Yogita Bali?
Ans.: Mehmood (Shammi Kapoor perfomed the role of Yogita’s father)

21. What was the funny name under which Kishoreda used to write his poetry?
Ans.: Kavi Kisordas

22. How much money was he paid for each song at the time of Aradhana and how much was he paid in the late 70’s when he was at the top position?
Ans.: Rs. 500/- and Rs. 30,000/- respectively

23. Which one particular film made Kishore Kumar so rich that he made a bungalow in Juhu in the 50’s?
Ans.: Luko Churi

24. Which was his favourite movie hall, where he & Ruma Ghosh (his first wife) visited quite often to watch English movies?
Ans.: Lido (Santacruz – West)

25. In which year was Kishoreda married to Ruma Ghosh?
Ans.: 1950

26. Name the Satyajit Ray film that was partly financed by Kishore Kumar?
Ans.: Pather Panchali

27. What model and year-of-make was the car that was used in Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi and who did it belong to?
Ans.: 1928 Ford – His father

28. What pets did Kishoreda have in his house and how many of them were there in all?
Ans.: Cats and Dogs – Total of 50

29. Apart from the house in Juhu, where else did Kishore purchase flats/houses?
Ans.: A flat in Warden Road, Bombay and a Villa in Madras.

30. What was the name of his Villa in Madras?
Ans.: 'Tiruman Mayur'

31. Name the Kishore Kumar song of the 50’s due to which there was a serious shortage of coins in the market, to listen to the Jukeboxes.
Ans.: 'Maana Janaab Ne Pukaara Nahin'

32. What is the significance of the evergreen song 'Yeh Jeevan Hai' (from 'Piya Ka Ghar') with respect to his singing power?
Ans.: He received the lyrics and the tune of the song 15 minutes before the final recording. So, there was absolutely no rehearsal (unbelievable)

33. In which year and where did Kishoreda perform his first stage show?
Ans.: In 1968 at Rabindra Sarobar, Calcutta

34. Apart from 'Kishore Kumar Khandwewala', by what other name did he call himself in his stage shows?
Ans.: Kishorilal Khatmandu

35. Which electronic gadget did Kishoreda fit in his house (he was the first person in the industry to do so)?
Ans.: CCTV

36. Which is the other song, apart from the famous 'Aake Seedhi Lagi' (from 'Half Ticket'), in which Kishoreda sang in a female voice and what is the name of the film?
Ans.: 'Baiyyan Chhodo Balam Ghar' (Rangili – 1952)

37. Which spiritual leader's books did Kishore Kumar read avidly?
Ans.: Swami Vivekananda

38. Name the last film in which Kishore Kumar sang for Rajesh Khanna.
Ans.: Mamta Ki Chhaon Mein

39. Name the song in which Kishoreda had given voice to the maximum artists on screen.
Ans.: 'Haalchaal Theek Thaak Hai' (from 'Mere Apne'). He gave voice to 6 actors in this song.

40. What astonishing fact did he find out in a graveyard near his house at Juhu Beach?
Ans.: There was a priest’s grave and his death date & time was 4th Aug 1929 @ 16:00 (exactly the time of his birth). Thus Kishoreda wondered what could be the connection, given the fact that in his childhood he used to go near a cemetery in Khandwa and sit there for hours (in spite of getting severe scoldings from his father because of that)


Okay guys.. there are MORE to come; AUR BHI HAI; AARO AACHHE. But once again, that would depend on the response, you see.

An ENIGMA to many, Kishore Kumar, (aka Aabhas Kumar Ganguly) born on August 4, 1929, was the kind of genius that rarely surfaces on the earth. His sudden, premature death on October 13, 1987, devastated the entertainment industry. Curiously, all the three predominant male singers of Hindi cinema - Mukesh, Mohammed Rafi, and Kishore Kumar — died when they were in their fifties. This untrained singer took playback singing to unusual heights. He sang his first solo song for Ziddi in 1948, and the last duet with Asha Bhosle for Waqt ki Aawaz in 1988: a singing career of 40 years during which he recorded 2,905 songs for films and 2,661 for private albums in Hindi and 221 in Bengali.

AWARDS GALORE
Kishore Kumar idolised K.L. Saigal and was fascinated by Australian singer Jimmy Rogers, who was known for his yodelling. (Kishore himself was one of the best yodellers in the business.) He was nominated for the Filmfare award 27 times, and won the coveted trophy eight times, lent his voice to the likes of Amitabh Bachchan and Rajesh Khanna, and, most memorably, for Dev Anand. In fact, his first movie song was for Dev Anand.
There are reportedly 500 websites dedicated to him, most importantly Yoodleeyoo.com. A reluctant actor who went on to act in an unbelievable 102 films (all but four were Hindi), Kishore's favourites were Marlon Brando and Danny Kaye.
Of course, he had an illustrious actor, the highly successful Ashok Kumar who was 19 years older, for a brother when he came to Bombay without appearing for the Intermediate examination. To begin with, he did whatever came his way before applying the greasepaint for Sati Vijay in 1949. His last appearance as an actor was in a home production, Door Wadiyon Mein Kahin in 1982.
He wrote and produced 14 films (of which six were never completed) and is credited with the screenplays of five (two incomplete, and Mamta Ki Chhaon Mein, which went through the censors two years after his death but remains unreleased till date), and directed 12 films of which four were abandoned at various stages of completion.
The immortal Chalti Ka Naam Gadi, made under the banner of Ganguly Bros, was credited with the direction of Satyen Bose though the film bore the inimitable Kishore stamp.
Interestingly, he composed the music for all his home productions, and one outside film, Zameen Aasman. He wrote 24 songs for his own productions. Despite his notoriety for no-money-no-work, he is known to have recorded for free even when producers were willing to pay. Rajesh Khanna and Danny Denzongpa are two notable examples.
Behind the mask of a mimic and a comedian, there was a serious persona, part of which was reflected through the kind of films he made. He was a romantic, whose personal life, for most part, remained tragic and unhappy. And he had begun to find some happiness in his fourth marriage, actor Leena Chandavarkar, when destiny cut short the bliss, and that too soon after the birth of his second son. His other marriages had been to actresses Ruma Devi (mother to Amit Kumar), Madhubala, and Yogeeta Bali.

INVALUABLE WORK
All this and much more is contained in an invaluable compilation by Vishwas Nerurkar and others (Kishore Kumar: The Many Faces of a Genius: Gayatri Publications, Pp. 590. Rs. 1,200).
The volume also contains some rare photographs, comments, and observations by Amitabh Bachchan, Rajesh Khanna, Raj Kapoor, Dev Anand, Hrishikesh Mukherjee, Asha Bhosle, R.D. Burman, Gulzar, Sandeep Ray, and Khayyam and others. It has a complete list of solo and chorus songs, duets, songs in various languages, private albums as a singer, as a composer... . You name it, and it's all there.